Short Jokes

Ravan ki 20 aankhein thi magar nazar sirf ek aurat pe; Jab ki aapki 2 aankhein aur nazar har aurat pe...! Toh asli Ravan kaun??

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Ravan was sent to court & was asked to keep a hand on Geeta.He refused saying: Sita par hath rakh kar itni musibat aayi! Ab Geeta pe haath nahin rakhunga

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An old rich man marries a young gal. Interviewer asks the girl: Apne inmein shaadi ke liye kya dekha? Girl: Ek to inki income aur doosre inke din kum.

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PRINCIPAL :Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200 Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500.MUNNA BHAI :Boley to Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu? ~~~~~~~~~

Mujhse wo judaa naa ho jaaye

Mujhse wo judaa naa ho jaaye,

Jindagi kahin Be-mazaa naa ho jaaye,

Mazaa aata hai pyaar karne mein,

pyaar mera kahin khafaa naa ho jaaye,

Shahar ki Be-chiraag galiyon mein,

Gum kahin manzil ka rastaa naa ho jaaye,

Aaj uunse kuch maang hi loon yaaron,

Wo kahin kal Be-wafaa naa ho jayae

E-Mail Auto-Replies

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position .

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'
( The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

11: I've run away to join a different circus.


AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as ' Loretta' instead of 'Steve '

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

One Liners

If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.

I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

Never try to drown your troubles... Especially if he can swim.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he's usually wrong.

Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we wouldn't have.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

There are three sides to every argument: your side,my side and the right side.

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance.

Way to keep healthy level of insanity at workplace

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."

8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."

12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"

13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.

14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Some Important Laws

LAW OF QUEUE : If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE : When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP : Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI : If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

BATH THEOREM : When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS : The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT : When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS : The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE : People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE : As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

He and She

HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .i've been looking for a face like
yours!!!

HE: Hi!didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once.i never make the same mistake twice!!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No,i'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!

HE: Is it hot in here or is it just you?
SHE: It's hot!!!

HE: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
SHE: Okay,but would you stay there?

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! i'm having a headache this weekend!!!


HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why,are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!


HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE: Nah,it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: You know I can't seem to get your face out of my mind.
SHE: Wow really, I have a similar problem I cant seem to get you out
of my face!!!

HE: When I look at your face, I can't hold my self down..
SHE: And when I look at your face I can't seem to keep my food down!

HE: You know when they made u they must have broken the mold.
SHE: Yeah and when they were making you must have leaked out of your
mold!!

HE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, could there be anyone as
beautiful as you?
SHE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, i'm sure there's no-one as ugly
as you!

HE: Do you have a phone number I can reach you on?
She: Sorry, telephones are against my religion!!!

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

HE: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
SHE: It's in the phone book.

HE: But I don't know your name.
SHE: That's in the phone book too.

HE: I know how to please a woman.
SHE: Then please leave me alone.

HE: I want to give myself to you.
SHE: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

HE: I hope you didn't hurt yourself when fell to earth from heaven.
SHE: No, but it looks like you landed on your face!

WHO IS THE GREATEST

*Cow , ant & a Donkey are debating on who is the greatest among three of
THEM*

*So here it goes........ ......... .*

*Cow : I give 50 litters of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest.
*

*Ant : I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own
weight and that's why I am the Greatest.*

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*Hello -Why are you Scrolling Down ?? *

*Its Your turn now - Speak Up

THE GAME IS OVER

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer,
"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins(1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,
"Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of
the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?"

The boy licked his cone and replied,
"Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME WILL BE OVER"

Top 10 ways to stop telemarketing calls

1. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.

2. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her, if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.

3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

4. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

5. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.

6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up.... louder...louder...louder!

7. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.

8. If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems............."

9. Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.

10. Tell the call center guy to call on your Office number.- and give him the competitive company's call center number.

Kings Punishment

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that
they could live if they pass a trial. The first step
of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten
pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men
went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I
brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial
to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt
without any expression on your face or you'll be
eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he
winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten
berries. When the king explained the trial to him he
thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth
berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The
first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got
away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't
help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Surname Dilema

A man from Bihar was away from his
wife for four (4) years while his wife was in Patna (Bihar).

At the end of 4 years he distributed sweets to his
colleagues in office stating that his wife had delivered a son.

His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this "Happy
event" happened when he had not seen his wife for four years...

The man said it is common in Bihar that neighbors take care of the
wife (good Samaritans) when men are away.

The colleagues asked him, "What name will you give to the son?"

The man explained, "If its the
second neighbor who has taken
care, then the name would be "DWIVEDI";

If it is the third neighbor then it would
be "TRIVEDI",

If it is the fourth neighbor then it
would be "CHATURVEDI" ;

If its the fifth neighbor then it would
be "PANDEY"...

After listening to this, questions followed.

What if it is a mixture of neighbors?
"Then the boy would be named "MISHRA"...

And what if the wife is too shy to tell
the name of the neighbor?
Then it would be "SHARMA"...

But what if she refuses to divulge the
name of the neighbor?
Then the name of the child would be "GUPTA"...

If she does not remember the name then?
"It is YAAD-AV"

But who knows whether the child resulted<>from a rape?
Then it will be named "DOSHI"...

Finally, if the child happened because
of wife's burning desire?
Then he will be named "JOSHI"...

And if the whole country had made efforts
for the happy
Arrival?.... Then the name of child would be…….
"Deshmukh."

Lost Wife

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.

1st: How yours look like?

2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?

1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!

The Perfect Son

Andy: I have the perfect son.
Brad: Does he smoke?
Andy: No, he doesn't.
Brad: Does he drink whiskey?
Andy: No, he doesn't.
Brad: Does he ever come home late?
Andy: No, he doesn't.
Brad: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
Andy: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Fastest ways of Communication

What are the three fastest ways of communication?
Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.

Did I read the sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR


Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE , BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

A Must Read True Story

My friend lives in Malleshwaram... One day he went to Bannerghatta Road
to visit his uncle for some days as his parents had to attend a wedding in
Coimbatore. One evening he and some other of my college friends went to
Yellahanka for a movie. He had so much fun that he forgot that it's very
late. He caught the last local bus to Bannerghatta Road ..... he reached
Bannerghatta Road around midnight......He had to walk about a mile from
the bus stop to home ....

As he was walking alone, he could sense that the night felt very creepy as
it was so dark. While walking, he was astonished to see an old creepy
looking guy selling some books. It was a very unusual thing to see a thing
like that..... He got the shivers on him when he noticed that this old guy
is unusually pale and staring at him... The old guy said "Son why don't
you get a book...it would keep you company". Then he did something which
he would regret for the rest of his life .......

My friend started to act brave & thought why not & had a look at his
collections... My friend's hair started to rise up as he noticed that all
the books were related to supernatural activities...but he found one that
was very interesting. So he asked the old man "how much is it, uncle?"....
The old guy replied, "Well son...this is an interesting book...it's only
for Rs 250. My friend was shocked and said "but...but...it's expensive"
This time the old man stared which freaked my friend. My friend quickly
checked all his pockets & found Rs.200 & said "This is all I have."

The old guy replied "It's OK son...you can have the book for that price"
As my friend was just about to run for home... the old man called back &
said "Son ... whatever happen, you don't ever flip the book to it's last
page... remember these words or you would regret...!!!!!" My friend nodded
and never looked back ...

Reaching home...he quickly asked his Uncle whether there was any new old
book seller nearby? The Uncle replied "not that I know of but...we've
heard that there's 1 old man who comes once in a while during full moon
nights but heard that there is something creepy about it...why son?" My
friend freaked out... he told his uncle "nothing uncle...just asking".

He started reading the book with the old man's words on his mind. At
night, 12 0'clock, as he went to bed, a gush of wind blew which chilled
him up to his bones. At that glimpse, he noticed the wind had blown the
pages to its last page. He remembered what the old man has said! But we
humans tend to have the tendency to know. Out of curiosity, he flipped to
the last page & fainted... What he saw at the last page is stated below:




























* BOOK FOR SALE!

* Original Price: Rs. 20

* Promotion Price: Rs. 10


Don't Start Cursing Me, I felt the Same way on reading this.

Intelligence ???

Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an
extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "hey
how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?"
pointing to the supervisor.

The other says, "I don't know, go ask him."
So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money?"

The supervisor says "Intelligence".

Guido says "what is this intelligence?"

The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my
hand as hard as you can!"

Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the
supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor
pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor
says "That's intelligence".

Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and his
co-worker says "Hey what did he say?"

With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his
face and says "hita my hand as hard as you can. . ."

Tragedy

One man got a child ....
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1 year later - man asked the child-what to gift you?
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child said
ping pong ball
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2'nd b'day-
Father- what gift you want?
Son - ping pong ball
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3rd b'day
Father- what gift you want?
Son - ping pong ball
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4th bday
Father- what gift you want?
Son - ping pong ball
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5th bday
Father- what gift you want?
Son - ping pong ball
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6thb'day
Father- what gift you want?
Son - ping pong ball
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.......................................................................
.
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.................................
24th bday
Father- what gift you want?
Son - ping pong ball
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he got married
at honeymoon
Wife-what do u want?
Husband-ping pong ball
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25th bday
Wife - what gift you want?
Husband-ping pong ball
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26th bday
Wife - what gift you want?
Husband-ping pong ball
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27th bday
Wife - what gift you want?
Husband-ping pong ball
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his kids become 15 yrs old
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40th bday
kids- Father what gift you want?
Father - ping pong ball
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41st b'day
kids- Father what gift you want?
Father - ping pong ball
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42nd bday
kids- Father what gift you want?
Father - ping pong ball
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.......................................................................
.
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.......................................................................
.
......
79th b'day
kids- Father what gift you want?
Father - ping pong ball
...
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...

.......................................................................
.
.......
.................................................................
time for his death
all the people from whom he took ping pong ball
(Like his Wife, kids and all others) came to him and asked
Why did you ask for ping pong ball all the time?
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....
He said give me a ping pong ball then I will tell you...
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Then those people gave him a ping pong ball
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He said when I will be extremely near to death then I will tell
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During those last moments when he is about to die
everyone reached him and asked
tell us why did you ask for ping pong ball always?
he said.
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I asked for a ping pong ball on my every b'day because
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And he Died... before he could tell the Reason...
What a tragedy! What a tragedy!!! Hmmmm?
Why should only I suffer alone after receiving this email? that's why
I Posted It.!!