Bill Gates decided to Sell OFF Microsoft

Letter from Banta Singh to Mr. Bill Gates

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 're -scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Mi crosoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will povide the remaining items?

6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that
.

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

E-Mail Auto-Replies

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position .

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'
( The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

11: I've run away to join a different circus.


AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as ' Loretta' instead of 'Steve '

Never Marry

Never Marry a Testing girl since she always doubts U.

Never Marry a DATABASE girl since she always wants her husband to be a UNIQUE key.

Never Marry a C girl because she always have a tendency to BREAK the things and EXIT from house.

Never Marry a C++ girl as u may encounter some problems in INHERITANCE.

Never Marry a JAVA girl since she always throws EXCEPTIONS.

Never Marry a VB girl since she has divorce FORM with her always.

Never Marry a UNIX girl ,she always dump u with a core.

Never Marry a PASCAL girl ,she always scolds u as rascal.

Never Marry a COBOL girl since she may be very good in DIVISION of families.

Never Marry a NETWORK girl since she may be very good in shooting troubles.

Better Marry a girl not belonging to SOFTWARE FAMILY

How i was born

Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"

His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of an unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.
Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!"

Bill to Pagal Hai

Bill To Pagal Hai.......
Bill Deewana Hai.....*

Achhe Bure Softwares Banata Hai Yahi,
Hasata He Yahi, Rulata Hai,
Usme Phir 'Bugs' Daalta Hain Wohi,
Aur Solutions Bhi Nikalta Hai,*


Bill To Pagal Hai.......
Bill Deewana Hai.....*


Is Bill Ki Baton Mein Jo Aate Hain,
Woto Oolloo Ban Jate Hain,
Software To Dusare Bhi Banate Hain,
Banake Magar Kho Jate Hain, *

**
Hmmm Bill To Pagal Hai.......
Bill Deewana Hai.....*


Softwares Ko Main Na Pehchanoonga,
Working Bhi Na Mein Uski Janoonga,
Microsoft Ka Logo Bass Mein Dekhoonga,
Bill Jo Kahega Wohi Manoonga. *


Bill To Pagal Hai.......
Bill Deewana Hai.....*


Bill Ka Kehna Hum Sab Maane,
Bill Na Kisi Ki Maane,
Uski Strategy Jaan Li Hamne,
Ek Wohi Na Jaane.*

**
Bill To Pagal Hai.......
Bill Deewana Hai.....*


Chhoro Ye Bill Sab Kahaniya,
Bugs Ki Hain Sab Nishaniya,
Programmers Ki Sari Pareshaniya,
Is Bill Ki Hain Ye Meherbaniya. *

**
Hmmm Bill To Pagal Hai....
Bill Deewana Hai.....*

Meri Marzi.......... - Song

Mera source code Padh kar hasanaa nahi,

Ise chalta dekh tum fasanaa nahi....

Main testing karataa hun Boss ki Kasam,

Bina piye Whiskey, Beer ya Rum....

------ MUSIC --------

Bill Gates milaa muze raste mein,

Beche Windows humne saste mein,

Usne kaha "Tuze CEO banaoo"

Ghar tere aake Operator ban jaaoo

Bill Gates ko kaha mere ghar na aanaa

Bill Joy ko bol diyaa naa baba naa

Chaahe Boston me dede muze BMW car

Ya H-1 pe dede muze dollar Dus Hazaar

Par development ke liye main to kachchaa hun

Dus saal se Porting me Achchaa hun....

------ MUSIC --------

(slow)

Mere daddoo , likhe Software

Bina use kiye , koi Hardware

Meri Beti , banegi AuNTy

Jab tak install , hoga NT

(fast)

Release ho raha hai mera Software nayaa

Unix ko DOS pe hai port kiyaa

Microsoft ne jab meraa H-1 kiyaa

Bug Free Windows maine release kiyaa..

Computer Users

Computer users are divided into three types:

Novice, Intermediate and Expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers.

How To Appease The I.T. Dept.

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

THE COMPUTER PROGRAMMER

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."